Trust

S (6 y/o, while under the kitchen table for some reason): Oh no! There's dirt stuck to my pyjamas. I knew I shouldn't have trusted these pyjamas.

Relativistic cleanliness...

This is just the most recent morning argument re clothes between my son and wife. I agree with her, that children should wear clothes that, at the very least, start out clean each morning. My son has other opinions.

Mammy: Change into some clean clothes please

C (7 y/o): These ARE clean!

Mammy: They are not - you wore them all weekend, and slept in them last night.

C: They are clean. They're cleaner than you!

Even the most cursory glance would show that they were not...

I'm not tired...

The parents are not cooperating and caving to whatever bizarre and urgent demands the 6 y/o is having, at the end of the long day. But she's not tired. Definitely not...

S (6 y/o, shouted.): Mommeeeeeee!

Mammy (to me): She's very tired.

S (shouted): I'm not tired! If I was tired, I wouldn't be shouting!

A second toilet...

We've had three weeks with only one working toilet in the house, because a part needed to be shipped from overseas to fix the second toilet. This has not been a huge hardship, or at least, I thought we were managing quite well with only one toilet, until I spoke with my 6 year old.

Me: The plumber called and he has received the part he needs, so he's going to come tomorrow to fix the toilet, and then we'll have two working toilets again.

S (6 y/o, excited as a child might be when they receive a surprise box, and open it to reveal the toy they had given up hope that they would ever receive, and they can't quite believe that this is for them): You mean we'll have two working toilets? That would be like a dream come true!

The importance of context...

In all things, context is important. C (9 y/o) was playing and I overheard the following - and readied myself for one of those all important Daddy-Daughter conversations as we approach those teen years:

 C (9 y/o): I have a girl body and two hairs!

Turns out, she was playing with LEGO and stating that she had found the girl body, and two different plastic hairstyles for it.

Being full...

Dinner times are always filled with sparkling conversation at our house:

S (6 y/o, sitting at the table with a small amount of dinner left): Daddy, I'm full! I know I'm full because I feel full, and also I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

The Cranberries meet the Phantom of the Opera...

I like to encourage appreciation of all kinds of music, which sometimes leads to some interesting spontaneous mash-ups in the oddest of ways. 

9 y/o (singing happily while performing some task): ♫♫ Zombie! Zombie! Zombie - ie - ie - oh - oh! ♫♫

11 y/o (completely unprompted, and with an overly dramatic voice, a-la the Phantom, from The Phantom of the Opera): Sing, my angel of music!

9 y/o (perfectly on beat, switches to the music of the night, from Phantom): ♫♫ Aaahh - aa-aa-  ah-ah-ah-aaah - aaaah! ♫♫

Talking...

While sitting at the table, and presumably contemplating the many times we've asked our children not to talk with their mouths full of food:

S (6 y/o): I was just about to say that it's rude to talk with your mouth open.

Sprinkle my nipples with hot sauce

Today's impromptu improvised song lyrics, sung at full volume by the 6 y/o while playing with her marble run, which is one of the noisiest toys in the known universe, particularly since she has collected all her siblings' marbles and has a fairly continuous stream of marbles running through it

"Sprinkle my nipples,

Sprinkle my nipples,

Sprinkle my nipples, with hot sauce,

With hot, hot, hot, hot sauce.

So that I will Aaaaaaarghh!

Because I need to make more noise..."

Words to live by...

We're discussing something wise that someone on the TV news said, and S (6 y/o) is colouring at the table - but always listening. Always. Listening.

Me (to my wife): "Words to live by!"

S (6 y/o, thoughtfully): "I wouldn't like to live by words. I'd prefer to live by woods [a forest.]"

Impromptu multilingual breakfast poetry from the 6 y/o:

"Are you about to poo?

Værsågod!" 

("You're welcome" in Norwegian)

Counting aggressively

Having children is #8...

Realising there is such a thing as aggressive counting - while listening to my 11 y/o playing hide and seek. Terrifying...

Target audience

My six-year old really gets target audiences, to a level I had not truly appreciated until now

Me: What are you watching?

6 y/o: "My Little Pony." It's not suitable for Daddies because there's no tea or coffee in it.

Covering all possibilities...

We're discussing sleep and dreams at the dinner table...

C [9 y/o] : There was this one time in real life, or maybe in a dream, when I was...{remainder of statement drowned out by various laughter around the table.} 

English and Normal

A discussion is ongoing about what languages we speak:

S [6 y/o]: I speak English, and Normal!

I assume she means "Norwegian" but it's quite hard to tell.

Hairstyles

You just can't get away with saying anything in this house...

Wife: "What do you think of my hairstyle? [6 y/o] said it's lovely."

6 y/o (trailing in behind my wife): "No! I said, 'What did you even do to it?!?'"

Dance-off

Having children is #7...

...being thankful that your six year old demonstrates in the privacy of our own home, that to her, a dance-off means that you should take your clothes off while dancing.

We still cannot explain why she was wearing multiple sets of underwear...

Fired

We're watching Gordon Ramsey's kitchen nightmare, which has become family TV viewing time. Some of the kitchen staff are not performing and have just been fired in the usual dramatic way of Gordon and US reality TV.

S (6 y/o): Mammy, if we started a restaurant, the first thing we'd do is fire Daddy.

Mammy: But we could get Daddy to do all the cooking.

S (after some brief consideration): Well, maybe he'd last one day before we fired him.

Good to know that my children have faith in me.

F**king Windows

S (6 y/o) is playing on the living room floor. It's also the first really sunny morning in weeks, so all the windows are open. Mammy is working on something on her laptop from the couch. It's not going well, as sometimes things on computers are want to do.

Mammy (frustratedly): F**king Windows!

Siún (helpfully): Do you want me to close the windows, Mammy?

Marbles...

Tidying is happening. The 11 y/o is picking up the things that have been distributed by her siblings. I'm working from home and hear a series of what sounds like marbles falling on to a wooden floor and rolling off in multiple directions.

11 y/o (frustrated): Who put marbles in a hat?

I'm not even surprised. A hat seems like a perfectly reasonable storage container for marbles.

Screaming...

Just another normal day, where two of my children are happily shouting at one and other at full volume for no particular reason except that they are very emotionally invested in whatever game they are playing, and they have lots of pent up energy.

Me (to the children involved): Please stop screaming. You're right next to one and other, and you both have good hearing.

S (6 y/o, without missing a beat, and as condescending as only a 6 y/o can be): Daddy, you're not in charge of screaming.

Returns to shouting at her brother, making up the lost screaming time she had to use to explain exactly what I am not in charge of in this house.

Go, go, go, come ON!

The 9 y/o is still putting on her shoes and it's now five minutes after the time she should have left the house to catch her school bus. Due to Covid-19, they all have different bus times / schooling arrangements at the moment. To 'help', her sister and brother engage in an impromptu dance and chant at the other end of the living room:

7y/o & 11 y/o (Chanted, with dancing):
Go! Go! Go! Come ON!

Go! Go! Go! Come ON!

Go! Go! Go! Come ON!

11 y/o (spoken so fast it fits in the same timing as the lines above):

Seriously, move your ass or you're going to be late!

The Server of Life...

We're walking home from the shop, and S (6 y/o) steps in front of me and just stops to take a look back - in case we abandoned her or something, I imagine. My wife laughs and points out that it's cute that S just stops every now and then and cuts me off. As we carry on:

S (6 y/o, with great disappointment): I can't cut you off... from the server of life...

I wonder if she and her siblings are spending too long on the internet.

Division by zero...

We're debating what the biggest number is over breakfast. This is a fairly regular debate in our house. It somehow morphs into a discussion of what numbers can be divided by other numbers, leading to this gem from my #1 son, maths genius!

C (7 y/o): Except five divided by four - I don't think you can do that.
Me: You can - you can divide any number by any other number, except zero. You cannot divide by zero as the answer is always undefined.
C (7 y/o): You can. I've already done that. Five divided by zero is five. See!

A hotdog without a bun...

In today's wondrous insights on the world and all that's in it, from the 5 y/o:

5 y/o: A hotdog without a bun is just... (deeply contemplative pause)... like a sausage!
11 y/o: Yes. It is exactly a sausage.

When you're part of a team...

With the usual complete lack of warning, context, or meaningful inspiration.

5 y/o: I'm going out to play with the others. But first I have to pee. It's important to pee when you're part of a team.
(breaks into the following, to the tune of the LEGO movie song, while (of course) going to the bathroom to pee)  ♫♫ Everything is awesome. Everything is awesome when you pee when you're part of a team. Everything is awesome...  ♫♫

Yo Mamma...

My 5 y/o is trying to catch up with the terrible jokes her older siblings are sharing from various joke books for kids. I think she's really nailed the "Yo Mamma..." genre. This morning she wandered up to her 'Mamma' and unleashed:

5 y/o: Yo Mamma's so ugly that when she goes outside she gets arrested. I mean, when she opens the window.


This is from the same child who has established the favourite family joke to be:

4 y/o (at the time): What do you call a fish with no eyes? ...  A chicken! (followed by loud cackling laughter as she struggles to stand after demonstrating such wit.)

Just ahead...

While walking with my 9 y/o to her first sleepover at a friend's house:

Me (joking): Are you sure you know where her house is?
9 y/o: Yes. It's just ahead.
Me: Okay
9 y/o: See. It's that house up there that looks just like a head.
Me: ...

We're big fans of playing with language and puns, but I'm shocked that my children would turn these against me. Shocked, I tell you! ;-)

What I did at school

As a parent, I think it's important to gain a good understanding of how my children are growing, learning and flourishing at school. Fortunately, they share this information freely...

Me: Did you have a good day at school?
7 y/o: Yes!
Me: And what did you do at school today?
7 y/o: Stuff!

My son the (quiet) philosopher...

7 y/o son: <incessant unnecessary noise>
Me: Please be a little quieter.
7 y/o son (thoughtfully): What does "quiet" mean anyway? Nobody knows!
7 y/o son: <resumes incessant unnecessary noise at previous volume>

Dropping Dolphins...

5 y/o (shouted from the kitchen in a tremendously overly dramatic voice): Why are you dropping dolphins?

I'm immediately concerned that my children have got somehow involved with some new recreational drug (like dropping acid), but fortunately they are just playing with LEGO... which involves dolphins.