Daddy's shopping needs

My wife and 4 y/o are shopping:

4 y/o: Daddy needs beer. And tea! Daddy needs tea.
4 y/o (thinking a bit...): But when there is no tea he drinks gin instead. Daddy loves gin!

I think I need a small medicinal gin & tonic ;-)

Christmas songs

Christmas songs that didn't make it big....

To the tune of 'Frosty the Snowman':

Frosty the reindeer,
Is a cow with antlers on,
He has shiny hooves,
And he pulls a sleigh,
And he like to smoke his bong.

Frosty the reindeer,
Gives us milk when it's not yule,
And it's said he makes
Very tasty steaks,
And the best filet minion.

Toilet training

While basic toilet training took only a few weeks for each child, learning a more complete etiquette is still a work in progress years later, leading to exchanges like this:

[Flush]
Mammy (to Daddy): That's amazing - she's actually flushed the toilet.
Daddy (to the 4y/o): Did you wash your hands?
4 y/o (proudly): I don't need to. My hands are smooth and soft!

snow

It has snowed overnight. Things are white outside. This is clearly very exciting.

4 y/o (super excited and shouting): What the *snow* has happened?!?
5 y/o: You mean, what the f**king snow has happened?

I'm so proud. So proud.

Being a monster

Parenting is having every day littered with incomprehensible gems like this:

4 y/o (very excited, though I can't tell why): Now I can believe I am a monster!
Daddy: What?
4 y/o: Because I am a monster! In real life!

Who let the dogs out?

Heard shouted through the bathroom door. In the mind of my 7 y/o, and judging by the smell, perhaps 'the dogs' are a euphemism...

7 y/o (while sitting on the toilet): Who let the dogs out? Me! ME! MEEEE!

Both things I'm pretty good at...

While getting children to put pyjamas on and brush teeth before going to bed, the 9 y/o sings:

9 y/o (sung):
If I brush my teeth and then get naked,
Both things I'm pretty good at,
Except the brushing teeth part...
I'm very good at getting naked though.